Why Inviting People to Sit at the Table Isn't Enough
I love analogies and metaphors. I get teased by my coworkers for how many I birth daily (see what I did there?) Whether we see it or not (another analogy), we can’t think well without making comparisons between things we already know to things we are just getting to know.
“Oh, so it’s like X?”
“Well, it’s like X in this one way, but not like X in this other way.”
“So, it’s like Y then?”
“Not exactly. It’s like Y in these two ways, but not in these other ways.”
This is how learning goes. But the problem is that the analogies and images we use carry hidden meanings that can get us in trouble. Take for example the common expression of “creating space at the table for others.” That sounds great. It is an image of inclusion. It’s a recognition that someone is welcome and has a place of belonging. The problem is that it assumes that the table belongs to us, and other people are guests at OUR table. We control the meal. We set the menu. We decide the topics and pace of conversation.
As Dr. Mary Ho explains in her excellent presentation, it is not enough for those of us who do cross-cultural work to invite people from other cultures to sit at our table, we need to invite them into the kitchen where we plan and prepare the meal. It’s messy in the kitchen and it’s hard work, but we get a more complete meal suitable for everyone if we cook together instead of just eat or meet together.
As an older Anglo man who has been seeking greater cross-cultural inclusion and harmony for many years, I was slow to get this. Like a lot of “white” people, I had an assimilationist mindset. I just assumed that the majority culture should set the table and the goal was to get others to join our table. I didn’t recognize how that preserved the privilege of my culture and limited the potential for real harmony (a musical analogy) and cross politization (a farming metaphor). I like being in control, so surrendering the place of host to become a guest at other people’s tables didn’t occur to me. Going into other places and spaces without the ability to determine the plan, pace, or process felt too risky for me to embrace. I’m sure it showed.
I’ve learned in both global missions and in racial healing work that the best progress happens when we enter other cultural spaces as guests and surrender the assumption that we get to control what happens. It is in this space that we are best positioned to achieve deep understanding. It is easy to travel to another continent and have an artificial experience. You can go to Africa and have an American experience that deceives you into thinking you’ve experienced Africa. You saw and experienced something different from your normal experience, but you likely didn’t realize how much everything around you was altered to suit you. There is a big difference between having an African experience as an American versus having an American experience in Africa. The same is true on every continent.
As an Anglo man, I can build relationships with people of color and think I know what their cultures are like, but if those relationships happen on my turf as I design, my ability to understand is limited and I’ll come away with lots of misunderstandings. It is only when I enter other contexts as a guest without any power or control over what is happening that I’m in a place and position for deep learning and relationship building.
So, how do we move forward to build healthier cross-cultural relationships? That is a long process. But to make progress, we can start by taking the role of guest and not demanding to be the host everywhere we go. We can also decide to work with others in the kitchen and not just at the table.