The Strong & Kind Handshake

by Alan Howell

Director of Church Relations

Greetings are important in cultures all around the globe.  If we try to skip that step or miss a social cue, it can derail even those of us who have the best intentions and keep us from having a meaningful interaction.  In today’s world, we’ve got lots of opportunities to encounter people who are different than ourselves.  Whether you are part of an American church that is sending kingdom workers, or you are serving cross-culturally yourself, we all have chances to encounter people from different cultural, religious, or philosophical backgrounds.  So, how can we make sure our conversations communicate the right message?

Conversations matter.

Our God changes the world through conversations.

Conversations may seem small and insignificant. But, like seeds, they are potent and filled with potential.  Conversationschange lives and communities. Words have the power to change the world. And conversation is a more common vehicle for transformation than one-way proclamation.

As Christians, we believe that Jesus Christ is the Word of God made flesh—he is the conversational Word of God who met people personally, asked questions, listened, and spoke life-giving truth. God did not choose merely to communicate through a thunderous voice from the sky but entered human dialogue. Christ’s presence has always been a relational encounter, and the Messiah teaches us how to relate to others in ways that are transformative.  As agents of the kingdom, God's Word inside us and the words flowing out of us can shape conversational soil with wisdom and presence, grace and space – turning it into a fertile field where good things can grow. 

So, how can we make sure those interactions send the right message and honor everyone involved?  

From the greetings to the grand topics to the goodbyes, how can we make sure that our conversations (even with those with whom we have little in common), have the best chance of making a difference?

How can we bring our whole selves into a conversation in ways that honor ourselves, honor God, and honor the other person?  

There are lots of models or frameworks out there for engaging people from other cultural, religious, or philosophical backgrounds in meaningful interactions.  But, the simplest one - one that has proven to be the most useful in my experience has to do with handshakes.  I’ve shared this handy model with all kinds of people, groups, and churches.  It resonates with those who want to cross vast oceans and with people looking to cross the street to share Christ’s love. 

Let’s consider three different types of handshakes:

1. The Power Politician handshake (Strong but not Kind) - where we meet the other in a display of dominance and power that is ultimately unsatisfying (maybe especially for the other!)

2. The Limp Fish handshake (Kind but not Strong) - where we want to communicate so much openness and acceptance that we don’t really meet them with who we are.  Our desire to show deference undercuts our differences in an unhelpful way and we end up offering a weak handshake that is unsatisfying... just plain eww!

3. The Proper handshake (Strong & Kind) - where we meet the other with respect and dignity as a person, honoring them and their commitments. And we approach them as a real person ourselves, being honest about commitments and convictions of our own, too.  While there is difference between us, this is still respect, and it leads to a satisfying encounter. It is a good, solid, respectful handshake.

Going with “#3 The Proper Handshake” is useful in interreligious and intercultural dialogue because we meet “the other” with respect while also being real about our own Christian convictions in a way that still can express goodwill for them in ways that are much more real than #1 or #2.

One of the things that churches can do, besides offering this type of handshake to those in their orbit, is to encourage the kingdom workers they are supporting to stay in this strong and kind posture.  It can be tiring and complicated, but when cross-cultural servants know that those who send them value and honor this type of approach, that can be extremely empowering.

Christ works through our conversations and approaching others in a mode that is strong and kind is a great way to keep connecting and dialoguing, learning and growing along the way.  We can engage others in conversation with authenticity, respect, substance, and presence as we seek to work for their good.